A Life-Saving Commitment

On February 03, 2022, I committed to saving my life. 

Prior to that date, the only thing I cared about, the only thing I did, was drink—as much alcohol as I could, as often as I could. For thirty years, I prioritized drinking over my marriage, my personal relationships, my career, my partnership with God, and my self-worth. 

Despite being to hell and back more times than I care to admit, my commitment to remaining an active alcoholic remained steadfast and unyielding. Would the day ever come when I’d devote that much time and energy into my recovery?

Turns out, yes. When I became sick and tired of being sick and tired, of going round and round in circles, of being alive, but not living, I was, at last, motivated to take action against my disease of alcoholism. 

According to the article, “The 5 Levels of Commitment” in Restoration & Remediation magazine (https://www.randrmagonline.com/articles/86742-the-5-levels-of-commitment), there are five levels an individual must experience when trying to reach a goal or change a habit. These are: self-awareness, a willingness to change, an intense focus, commitment, and character. 

Self-awareness is the “ability to focus on yourself and how your actions, thoughts, or emotions do or don’t align with your internal standards.” (https://www.betterup.com/blog/what-is-self-awareness). 

The day I attended my first Twelve Step meeting was the day I finally accepted I was an alcoholic. I’d always known I was an alcoholic, but it didn’t motivate me to change because, for many, many years, drinking worked for me, despite numerous trips to the ER, jail, the threat of divorce, and losing important relationships. 

At times, drinking was vital to my survival. Alcohol helped me cope with an unimaginable trauma I’d suffered at eighteen years old, an incident I hid from everyone but couldn’t hide from myself. Other times, alcohol was my best friend and a source of comfort when overwhelming fear and anxiety took a hold of me and wouldn’t let go. 

Fourteen months ago, however, drinking stopped working for me. How could this be, after spending most of my life drowning in whiskey? Call it a moment of clarity, of self-awareness. I choose to believe it was Divine Intervention when I finally realized I’d never reach my goals or fulfill my dreams if I kept drinking. More importantly, I accepted this, instead of making excuses intending to keep my alcoholism active.

 I wanted a better life. 

However, putting my disease into remission meant not drinking, no matter the day, time, season, holiday, loss, or gain. How could I possibly do that when drinking’s all I’ve ever known? 

First, I don’t pick up the first drink today. Focusing on the past and future got me nowhere, but focusing on the present keeps me sober. Who knows what I’ll do tomorrow? Today, though, I choose to be sober, so I don’t drink.

Second, I must be willing to change. No one likes change, especially an alcoholic. It’s scary. Change implies growth, which can be painful—if you’re doing it right. However, growing pains lead to real change. Not the temporary kind, but long-lasting change that makes a difference in my life and in the world. Problem is, change requires work. Lots of it. This work entails discipline, sacrifice, and often taking risks. There’s no guarantee the changes I try to make will last, but I’ll never know if I don’t try. 

So, I try. I join a Twelve Step program because I cannot quit drinking on my own. Been there, tried that. Failed miserably. 

Alcohol is an equal-opportunity killer, which means getting sober, and staying sober requires intense focus and commitment. No one wants to hear this when they are newly sober. It’s overwhelming. That’s why no one told me how much work sobriety really is. I had to figure it out for myself. 

Fortunately, my Twelve Step program has tools which they suggest I use to stay sober, one day at a time. Since I have the gift of desperation, I gather the tools and begin to use them. I get a sponsor, read the Twelve Step literature, and begin working the steps with someone who has more sobriety than me. I attend daily meetings and gather phone numbers of sober sisters who I can call anytime, for any reason. Also, I do service work, so I stop focusing on myself and help others, especially alcoholics like me. 

I don’t have to do these things. Sometimes, I don’t want to do these things. But, I do them, anyway. If I could commit to drinking with the same zeal and fervor an Olympic athlete does their training, then I’m more than capable of doing the work necessary to maintain my sobriety. 

The current success rate of my Twelve Step program is only 5-10% (https://adamfout.com/success-rate-of-aa/). However, I would argue the success rate is much lower. In just my short stint in the program, I have met more people who continuously relapse than people with double-digit years of sobriety. 

The odds are stacked against me. I am no better or worse than the individuals who relapse. I simply have a daily reprieve from my disease because I work a solid program. What motivates me to continue to work the program, despite the very real possibility of failure? 

The answer’s not so easy to convey because it’s more like a feeling, a change in myself that often I don’t see, but everyone around me marvels at. Some might call this building character which is the last level of commitment. 

With my Higher Power’s help, by clearing away the wreckage of my past through tough and often enlightening introspection, by sharing my experience, strength, and hope with others, and being completely honest with myself and others, I have become the person I believe my Higher Power always meant for me to be. 

I am not perfect. No human being is. However, by acknowledging my flaws and trying to improve them, daily, I have revealed the good, kind, honest parts of myself I’d kept buried with the help of alcohol. Now, I no longer mask my feelings. I feel them—the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

Committing to sobriety with the same enthusiasm I did my drinking has revealed my real self—my true self. I like what I see. I’m taking risks. Forging new paths. Conquering my fears with warrior-like abandonment so I can realize my hopes and dreams for the future, a future that wouldn’t be possible if I was still drinking. By accepting there are things I can’t change, being courageous enough to change the things I can, and knowing the difference between the two, I have found freedom. Peace. Unimaginable joy. Serenity. 

So long as I remain committed. 

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