The Art of Tough (Self) Love

Sometimes true self-love takes discipline, what we old school folks call Tough Love. For me, a true test of self-love hit me early 2022 with a lightning bolt of inspiration.  The Muses literally threw me out of bed that day. I leapt to capture the idea in writing before it disappeared.  But it didn't.  This God-smack was way too big to forget:  a series paying homage to kick-ass Mothers in my life.  The Divine is at work in them, all displaying masterful unique gifts.  I started with our recently-formed artist group called The Collective.  Together we resigned from volunteer board positions at an arts organization to form a conclave to support women artists. 

The first subject for my series was Lisa and her unique art form.  She and her children collect natural elements: leaves, pinecones, and arrange them on fabric to create sun prints.  From that, she twists large fabric knots to simulate her relationship with Motherhood and anxiety. My portrait, "She Who Harnesses the Sun” poses Lisa with arms stretched upward, surrounded by botanical elements. Loved the process of creating it but when I stood back to look with a discerning, critical eye, I said to myself, "Oh man, you suck at portraits, remember?"  Oh yea, that's right.  I'd given up portraits ages ago being I was terrible at them.  I avoided them like the plague.  But this was important--the Muses were compelling me to try my hand, so I obeyed and sketched portraits.  Often. And badly.  I became obsessed with street artist Swoon and studied her portraits constantly, attempting to recreate in the sketchbook. 

This time coincided with launching AP Art at school, which includes a sketchbook component.  Meeting with my students prior to the end of the school year, I announced I was keeping a sketchbook right along with them. I further assured them most of my sketches would be terrible, hoping to boost their self-esteem. Right into the summer as I attended a 5-day AP Summer Institute at Western Kentucky University and a room filled with art teachers for 5-days.  To get a taste of student requirements, we were to create a mini portfolio in our time there.  This Summer Institute was crawling with teachers from all walks of life: Physics, Math, Foreign Language.  Guess who was working the hardest, staying in the studio until midnight every night?  You guessed it: the Art Teachers.  I probably don't need to tell you what the subject of my portfolio was: more bad portraits of Lisa, this time in paint, ink, string art.  It's really hard for me to be publicly unsuccessful at something but I'd made a promise to myself to stick with it.  My classmates agreed I was the most prepared (arriving with sketchbook under arm and a plan) and prolific at my unsuccessful art.  I made more pieces than anyone there, documenting my process the whole time.  

I spent the entirety of 2022 creating one unsuccessful portrait after the next.  It's hard to devote an entire year of precious time to a cause and not have a successful piece to show for it.  That takes guts and tenacity, and a slight personal shift.  My good friend Becky tells me that nothing is wasted, every piece contributes to the adventure, even if we can't see it at the time. Besides a book full of bad portraits, what I do have on the other side is: A.  Lots (and lots) of hours dedicated to doing something I love. Nothing to show for it, but in that sense it was time well-spent.  B. A more realistic goal on my relationship with portraits as my new pieces focus on hands (still part of the body, eh?) C. Greater clarity about what I'm tackling this year.  Still women focused, my major project this year is tending to the artist incubator I launched in Fall, 2022.  Happily all of the participating artists are women.  Together we are creating a collective show to showcase our love for bees.  For my part, I’m creating an outdoor installation in the style of Swoon's early work.  Call it a re-birth for me. Although my style is different than hers, I intend to focus on many hands to create this large undertaking.  

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