Many years ago, when I was in my early twenties, I wrote a story entitled “Life is in the Struggle.” I was too young to realize how true this story was, or how often (daily) people are affected by life’s hard knocks. Long before I became an author, I was the person to whom people freely tell their stories. Be it a simple antic of someone’s beloved toddler, a tale about an incident in the workplace, or the more serious sharing of an illness, heartbreak, loss of a loved one, or the shame of abuse suffered at the hands of a loved one or trusted friend, or the dreaded loneliness so many endure, I’ve been privileged and humbled to hear about others struggles and pain.
Most of us are one person when we face the world—that composed, smiling individual who acts ready to tackle a new day, one who adjusts their mask and heads into the workplace, the grocery store, the doctor’s office, school, or the gym and another when we are alone with our thoughts. We push through tough times each and every day, and only when we have a breather do we let down and feel the weight of our burdens.
Since writing the Kids Like You series over the past years, my knowledge of those suffering has grown as exponentially as my desire to make a difference. I don’t have a fortune to donate to the needy, I don’t have time to volunteer for the vast number of worthy causes as I wish I could, but there is something I can do to heal the holes we all carry in our hearts. My goal has always been to make a difference, one way or another. I began my own private survey some time ago. I noticed how my shoulders straightened when someone bestowed a compliment on me. I came to life, a new person with more confidence and self-assurance. Something as simple as “I like your shirt,” or “You don’t look a day over sixty” brightened my mood, or words more touching such as “Your book inspired me,” or “Because of you, I want to be a writer.”
Either way, the hole in my heart, that deep place where my soul has been shredded with worry, heartbreak, sorrow and pain is patched a bit, if not healed. A stranger or friend planted a seed of healing within me. To feel worthy is a gift. To feel we make a difference shores us up for the next assault.
I made it my mission to share the results of this personal assessment with the students I talk with. I tell them my own version of the story of the Holes in the Fence. We talk about the holes in our hearts, those deep wounds that we carry with us in spite of our efforts to cover the scars or push down our pain.
Perhaps it sounds oversimplified, but I’m certain the seeds of kindness we spread to one another are healing. It’s cost-free, but the gift is priceless.
Ways to Scatter a Few Seeds
- Compliment: Something as simple as "That color brings out the blue in your eyes," or "Your hair is so shiny." I have a friend who loves shiny hair. His compliments are genuine, not creepy, and as delighted as he is to see shiny hair, his compliments are well-received (I know we now have to be concerned about workplace behavior). A man recently asked if he could give me a compliment. Asking permission first might be an acceptable way of offering a compliment.
- Go deeper: When you know someone better, or are witness to their performance or work, it's appropriate to let them know how their work has affected you. Not only are you giving them valuable feedback, you're establishing a connection. And what we all long for more than anything, is to be connected to this crazy world.
- Listen: We're so often in a rush, busy with our own crowded lives. Giving the gift of listening to someone not only helps us to remember other people are struggling just as we are, it's also heartwarming to know we've been an ear for someone else's hardship. When someone listens to us, we feel validated, important and valued.
- Offer simple assistance: Open the door for someone, let another person go first at a stop sign give way at the grocery store when you have a cartful and the person behind you has only a few items. Acts of assistance like can lift another's spirits for an entire day.
- Say "please" and "thank you": We can be so wrapped up in ourselves, we forget simple manners. Manners make for a more pleasant an giving society. Don't skimp.
- Be a good friend: Remember what's going on in your friend's life and check in with them to offer encouragement and support. The constant love and support of our friends gets us through the toughest times of our lives. Even when we don't want to share every little detail of what we're going through, knowing someone has our back, is keeping an eye on us, and wants the best for us helps us enormously.
- Humor: Don't take yourself too seriously. In laughing at yourself, you offer other people an example of the healing power of humor. There are many times we are too caught up in our own wounds that we can't see beyond them. Laughter breaks the power of mourning.
- Smile: Years ago, when I was pregnant with my youngest child, the receptionist at my obstetrician's office always met the next patient with a frown. She was grumpy and spit words out instead of speaking them. My husband and I made a game of who could make her smile first. I became our goal to make her smile at each and every visit. We secretly congratulated ourselves when we succeeded. I'm not sure what was going on in her life, but I'm sure she was dealing with demons of some kind. By the end of the my pregnancy visits, Susan smiled when she saw us walk through the door, asked how we were, and seemed happier. It wasn't our job to "cure" her, but offering a genuine smile and asking about her day unlocked the kindness within her. Victory!
Let's make it our mission to plant seeds of kindness to heal the holes within. Kindness can be as contagious as the flu. Take the "Heal the Hole" challenge and commit to offering five acts of kindness a day.
It's just a seed, but an invaluable one-a seed of healing.
Author of the Love and Loss Series, the Kids Like You Series, the Samantha Series, and The Wrong Guy
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I think of this daily when I work with my students. You never know the impact of one small act of kindness.
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