Making Space to Prioritize Commitments

“Every life needs a little space.  It leaves room for good things to enter it.”  (Sarah Addison Allen, The Peach Keeper, 2011). 

I am a person who has a hard time with the word “no." Mostly for myself, as in my brain says “wouldn’t it be a good idea if…” and my mouth says “I can do … “ and there goes my time. I like to help and if I have the time, I don’t see why I can’t do little things here and there to help others, so I say yes. For my kids, we teach commitment by making sure that they make good priorities.  They’re each allowed a few activities- one of our choosing, one of theirs.  Still, with three of them and activities we do as a family–not to mention a spouse that travels–it doesn’t take long for the schedule to be more precariously balanced than plate spinners with 20 plates on 10 foot poles.  

The last few weeks have been the end of all of the things – last soccer practices and games, meetings, field trips, graduation, field days, school and so on. And while I planned for those things, a few other things popped up that I didn't expect. I started to stress out.  I have a few things that I do because I enjoy them. Unfortunately, all of them come down to creating a wild end of the school year.  

Everyone’s telling me, “You need to get better at saying no!”  

Well, yes. Yes, I do.  But not for these things.  Although these are things I choose for me, they just have really bad timing.   My kids love the Mo Willems Piggie and Gerald books.  In I Broke My Trunk, there’s a point that Gerald the Elephant shows how strong his trunk is by holding up his rhino friend, his hippo friend, hippo’s sister, and her piano.  Gerald grits his teeth in a smile and sweats. His eyes bulge in panicked stress. Let’s just say, I felt much like Gerald and all the weight he was carrying that last week.   

The problem with everything being so full of commitments, big or small, is that we miss things.  The joys. The celebrations. The small bits of happiness and daily excitements. We can’t grow because we can’t check in with ourselves to see what is really important and what we really need.  When we’re constantly filling, there’s no space left for good things to enter.  Or worse, the good things come and we’re too overwhelmed to notice or be part of them.  

In my case, I was drowning in solitary parenting, the usual kid activities, end-of-the-school-year activities, a belabored Girl Scout project idea, a Girl Scout outing, Father's Day and Vacation Bible School. No pressure! It can all get done. It'll be okay.

Who needs sleep anyway?

I felt I was a crappy mom.  I was short tempered, easily frustrated; I was perfectly ok with too much tablet time. I probably yelled more than usual because I didn’t have time or energy to nicely ask 20 times before losing my shit, so I jumped to losing my shit after ask three. But I dealt with all of the things, and I got all of the things done. By the end of the shit-show schedule, my 2 year old was hugging me like I hadn’t seen him in weeks. 

I was overwhelmed by commitments.   

The entire week, my house remained a mess. I didn't plan much in the way of dinners.  I only did laundry when I couldn't continue to ignore it. My commitment to my house definitely slipped.  By Wednesday, after two days of not napping, my littlest snuggled in and slept. I had other things I needed to do, but he woke up every time I tried to move, so we just sat on the couch while he slept. I leaned into it. I stayed with him and gave up the idea that I was going to do other things. 

This was what I needed to do. 

My middle guy came in at some point and snuggled up on the couch next to us and slept too, which was exciting because he doesn’t nap anymore but definitely needed it. My ol  My oldest wandered in, shrugged and walked back off to read, and that was ok. Clearly my commitments and priorities were not properly aligned.  I sat with my sleeping boys and reveled in being a mom who held her little ones while they slept. By far, that was the best commitment I kept all week. 

It was also my turning point.  I’ve rededicated my summer to prioritizing my commitments. 

So, here’s my advice to us all: Find time to be bored. Schedule time to put down the heavy backpack full of commitments and worries, and find a place for some space. It sounds like a dirty word in our hyper, busy society. Finding space a thing in gardening, in baking, and in organizing. You have to leave some space or nothing can grow, including yourself.

Even when I’m committing to space in my schedule, I have strengths and weaknesses. When it comes to my kids, I like to think I'm better at it, because I see what I want for them more clearly than what I want for myself. I recommit myself to restart the workouts I began before the end of the school year because taking care of me should be something I do. I’ll have to be better at saying “no," even to family members. I have commitments that I’ve already made but I have plenty of opportunities for space in the schedule.  

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that kids don’t need to be doing something all the time. They need your time.  They need spontaneous soccer matches in the yard, playing catch, bike-riding and playground time.  

Here’s what I say to myself (think of them as mantras that you can use, too):  

• It’s ok to not commit to everything. 

• It’s ok to commit to yourself and have your own time.  

• It’s ok to choose one thing instead of many.   

• It’s ok to do one thing this time and a different one next time.  

• It’s ok to say no. 

• It’s ok to not feel guilty about it.   

• It’s ok to calm the chaos.  

• It’s ok to trim the excess.  

Give yourself the grace of pulling back and creating that space when you really need it.  Otherwise, you’ll be feeling the emptiness of losing yourself to all the other commitments and that is a dangerous kind of emptiness. I’ve felt it lately and it’s been liberating to pull back a bit.    

I hope that when you commit to some space in your schedule and mind, you see all the wonderful things that are allowed to happen when you have that space to grow.  I’m looking forward to a summer of it, full of snuggles, kid giggles, and boredom.  That’s the kind of commitment I can get behind.